Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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