Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
