I wannas sexs uuuuu
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
