I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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