I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
And then he peed in my hair
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
