someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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