I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
