Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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