if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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