I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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