I'm so fucking centered right now
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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