Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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