he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
