Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
