K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
