You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
