Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
