Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
