Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
