I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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