Three words: puerto rican gang bang
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
