I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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