She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
