You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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