I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
