i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
