sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
