Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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