Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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