Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
