not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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