I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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