She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
