wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
