Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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