I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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