it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
and you fell through a lawn chair
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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