How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
