I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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