Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Shame is for Republicans.
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