This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
