If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
