tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
