according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
