hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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