I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
