I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
