I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
