Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
