So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
