I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
