My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
